


the man out of time

by stephistep



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Sad, inside Bucky's mind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-09 09:50:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18635725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stephistep/pseuds/stephistep
Summary: basically what I just imagined to be going on in bucky's head during and after the last scene of endgamedon't read if you haven't seen the movie silly goose





	the man out of time

**Author's Note:**

> alright this is just like pure angst there's not much it's just inner turmoil. Bonne appetite

I knew he wasn’t coming back. For a moment I hoped beyond hope that I was wrong but deep down I knew I wasn’t. The minute he said it, ‘don’t do anything stupid ’til I get back’, I knew he wasn’t coming back. Not for me. Not for sam. The last time we spoke those words to each other I didn’t see the same Steve the next time. I saw someone bigger than I remembered. This time I expected no less. I waited for him. For 70 odd years, I waited for him. To break me out of my trance. To stop the pain and the torture and the suffering. I never asked for any of this. I never asked to be in the war, I never asked to get taken by HYRDA, I never asked for any of the pain I got. All this time Steve fought and at times I thought It was for me. But now I’m not so sure it was. Was it for me or just the always fueled fire in his heart, the endless desire to not give himself a second to feel the pain? He always fought and he always wanted to. I never did and I always hoped once he had the opportunity he’d fight for me too. Maybe he did. Steve always liked to tell people to move on. He spoke as if he ever did it himself when we all know his heart was only ever in one place. You would think he’d take his own advice but I knew he wouldn’t. Steve could never walk away from a fight and I think he could never give up Peggy for that same reason. I thought he couldn’t give me up either. But it seems I was wrong. He gave me up. He gave Sam up. He gave his new family up, all to go back. Back to a time where he wasn’t appreciated. All for her. I wonder if he ever thought to take me back with him. If the thought ever crossed his mind or if he was too busy thinking of what never was. A part of me always wanted to go back too. But I stayed here and he didn’t. He lived a life without me when we had always promised ’til the end of the line.’ It doesn’t make much sense to me that he could do that. Erase Peggy’s work, her family. All because he couldn’t let go. It doesn’t sound like him. But maybe I just looked past that part of him all this time, the selfish part of him. I was always too busy seeing the perfect he never did. But I’m not gonna stand here and act like I hate him, because I don’t. I never could. I love him. Take that as you may but Steve was the only person I had left. I have sam now but not in the same way. Part of me only thinks he’s with me for Steve’s sake. I wonder what’ll happen once Steve’s gone, ‘cause let’s face it, he doesn’t have much time left. They always said Captain America was the man out of time. But it doesn’t seem like it to me. He got it back. He got all the time and more back and I got nothing. I lived on the whole time he was gone in a dissociative state where I did things I hate myself for. I have nightmares every night about a person I once was. It seems to me I’ve been the man out of time all along. Steve had time. Steve had her. I had nothing but the time I spent as someone else. I wish I could say I was mad at him but I’m mostly just sad, because I knew it was coming. I don’t know if I can bare to look at him, the man who lived on without me. The man who willingly gave up being with me ‘till the end of the line. The man I love. If I see him like this, saying hello will only mean having to say goodbye again. After all this time, I’m so tired of saying goodbye. Im so tired of it all really. He fought for himself and I fought because I had to. Seems I still have to fight. Fight to live on without him. Saying goodbye has always been the hardest part for me and maybe thats why I had to keep doing it. I never really wanted it to be goodbye. But eventually our goodbye will actually mean the end. I wonder if he thought of me. If he hoped to save me while he lived out his suburban dreams with her. If he thought of the suffering I was enduring while he was laying with her. I suppose he didn’t, otherwise he would’ve done something to help me. Surely he would have? I don’t know what to think about Steve anymore except that I love him and I can’t seem to change that. He reached the end of the line and he did it without me and now it seems we’re out of time. Im out of time.


End file.
